Addicted
by mriss
Summary: Everything crashes at some point, in everyones lives. No one can escape it. Sometimes though, there's more at stake than you can imagine. Sometimes it's love, sometimes your children...sometimes it's everything.
1. Addicted

Addicted

"Role the joint. Toke it up. Party's on. Haven't had enough.The smoke billows from your cracked window. The high isn't enough though. Placing the needle to your vein, between your forarm, above your elbow you push it into your vein. Releasing the liquid drug. heroine. You don't care anymore. You're addicted. The high overcomes you. You're happy and carefree, smiling. As your dad walks into your room and finds you he starts yelling. Not because you're on drugs. But because you're stealing his. Because you didn't pay. He pushes you on the bed and then. . .you pay." Derek Venturi pushes away from his computer, putting both hands on his neck and leaning back in his chair. Writing about his dad---and their 'secret--- is hard. At first his drug habit started as a simple lets-get-high-cause-we're-bored thing. Then when he found the syringes in his dad's drawer he's like what the fuck, let's do this, and now. . .now it was a full blown addiction. It'd been weeks since he'd been one hundred percent sober. He'd stolen money from everyone in the family and his dad was raping him to pay for the drugs he stole. He knew it wasn't normal. And what exactly was he supposed to do about it? Nothing. Exactly. Someone knocked on his door.

"Derek?" Casey MacDonald asked consernadly. She'd been worried about him for weeks.  
"Yeh?" He said quietly. She opened and shut the door quickly, pushing herself inside.  
"You ok?" She asked slowly. He noticed her eyes were bloodshot and she'd been crying.

"Yeah fine. Everything's perfect. Why?" He asked coldly. She could never understand. She could never understand what it was like to have sex with _your father_ because you were to high on _his drugs_ to stop him. She couldn't understand what it was like to know that you'd gotten two girls in your highschool pregnant, sisters. She couldn't understand the concept of anything in Mr. Derek Venturi's life. Nothing at all.

"I um. . " Her eyes were as big as fish bowls, her mouth opening and shutting like one.

"Spit it out fishy." He saw hurt in her eyes. _Ph. good, she needs to feel some **real **pain. _

"I'm pregnant!" She blurted out, tears pouring from her eyes.

"Oh." He said slowly. Three girls. He counted on his fingers. "Mine?" He said slowly. She nodded. No more getting high together. They'd decided. He thought pot was all she did.

"Ok." She smiled, nodded and pulled out a joint, lighting up and taking a drag before handing him some.

"Real intelligent Case, smoke pot with a baby inside you." She shrugged and laid back on his back. His only challenge was now part of him. They got high together, had sex. Morals didn't really matter anymore. Senior year to Casey had become her "changing year." She wasn't miss perfect anymore, no more little miss mary sunshine. Derek smiled at her. Chapter 2 in their life and their fucked up relationship was beginning. She knew about his two other "future kids." When they were born DNA tests were supposed to ensue. To Derek, even in his drug addled mind the baby with Casey. . was going to mean a lot more.

---------------

**.tbc.**


	2. Punch Drunk

Punch Drunk

"Never kiss a drunk girl. Never kiss a drunk girl you're in love with. It hurts. She'll leave her eyes open, not getting it while you're on cloud nine. It's crazy. You can toke it up, get baked til next week. Don't matter . . .she still wont' see you. You still wont' be the one. Lucky for me. I was, I am. Eat shit suckers!" Derek smiled and signed off the computer before finishing off his bitch beer _smirnoff_ and tossing it into the trash can under his desk. It was obvious he loved his privacy. Casey was officially three months pregnant with his kid, and she was still tokin' it up with the worst of them. She didnt' seem to care. Casey had as many would say gone-off-the-deep-end. Derek couldnt' say anything about it, he was always with her. Making sure she never went _too far_. He wasn't about to lose her or the baby. He was, in love.

-----

"Fuck you too!" Casey said, flipping Sam Johnson off as she stumbled through her front door. It was two AM and the kids she knew were asleep. Nevermind the fact that her parents were out of town. She had to chuckle at how oblivious her parents were to reality. Honestly how could they not see the changes in her? Being drunk and high off her ass she wasn't pissed for more than a second.

"Case?" Derek said, walking into the hallway. Since he'd found out his Casey was having his baby he'd sobered up a bit. He was still a walking high but that was besides the point. He was high so often it was like second nature. As soon as he saw Casey though, drunk and high as fuck, needle pricks in her arm bleeding slightly and her eyes totally glazed over twice.. . .his stomach dropped. Could their baby live through this?

"What?" She asked, falling onto the couch, on her knees. "Lookin for some Derek baby? Come get it." She said half seductively half out of it completely. He shook his head. "Fine fuck you too, I'll give myself some then. All you assholes dont' want any that's not my problem." She said fiercely, lifting her skirt up and jamming two fingers violently up herself, fingering herself. Derek closed his eyes for a moment, clenching his fists.

"Case, fucking stop." He opened his eyes her hands were on the back of the couch now, her skirt still hiked up.

"What Derek what? Not fucking good enough for you? Do I have to eat myself out for you? What!?" She screamed, standing up and walking towards him quickly. He stood his ground. Casey wasn't a funny drunk anymore, she was a pissed off, mean, and frusterated drunk. . .some would call it bi-polar drunk.With the wave of his hand he directed her to her bedroom, where the was now, thanks to him, an outside lock. There was no way she could lock him out.

"No Case." He said softly as she stumbled up the stairs to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet. "I love you." He whispered before lighting a joint and walking to the bathroom to hold her hair back.

-----

"You've got to help me Case." He said softly after she'd deposited the nights events into the porcelain bowl.

"With what?" She looked down and pulled her miniskirt down.

"With us. With the baby. You've got to stop this fuckin bullshit. You're going to kill yourself and this baby." He said, squeezing her hand and whiping the throw up from her mouth with shaking hands. It was hard to force a smile away from his face. His high was there.

"I'm counting on it Derek. . .I'm too scared for a baby." She said before passing out on him.

_please god...fucking help us. _Derek said to himself, picking up Casey and carrying her to his bed. She would sleep with him tonight and wake up in the safety of his arms. Maybe in the morning whatever pain there was wouldn't be so bad.

----

**.tbc.**


	3. Invincible

Invincible

"Your heart races when you think something is dangerous. You feel your blood pump, your adreniline kick in. You feel . . .well. . .high. It's euphoric, just like drugs only you dont' have to inject or sniff or eat. You just do something really really stupid that could get you in a lot of trouble and there you go, you're set. You can get high like that whenever you want, warning/caution/advisory. . .one too many hits may cause massive destruction to more than just yourself. You may just hurt everything you care about once you believe you're invincible to pain." Derek once again pushed away from the computer, wobbling as he stood up and collapsed on his bed. Casey was pushing him to the limit, testing him. Their parents still weren't home, he had no idea what that was about. They called every night and all that, they just never informed them of when they were coming back. Somehow he had to believe they were figuring out a way to help their oldest daughter, because Derek was running out of ideas. **He** felt like **her **parent. And he was at a loss. He'd long since put "decorative bars" on her windows and after she went into her room at the beginning of the evening he locked her door except when she had to pee. Let's face it, he had her on pretty much a lock down. ..and the more sober became. . .the more upset, tearful, and terrified she was. ..and she was sick twenty four seven. Pregnancy and withdrawals weren't exactly a great combo. He sighed and threw his pillow at the closed door. _why casey? why? you're perfect. ..why do you have to turn yourself into someone else?_

----------

The lock clicked at nine-fifteen, bathroom break. Casey, defeated sat on her bed defiantly, she'd pee her pants if she had to, puke on her bed, whatever it took to show Derek he wasn't her owner or her boss, that he had no right to keep her locked up when they weren't in school or to make sure that people that didn't do what she did. ..keep an **eye** on her. It was fucking ridiculous. With a slam of the door Derek locked it again. He knew what Casey was doing. It'd been weeks since he'd thought about their baby's welfare. Since that night at the house. . .four months pregnant and he wondered if the baby was inside her. ..just floating. Picking up the phone he dialed the clinic. _"Thank you for calling Toronto's Women's Clinic, we are not available right now or we are closed, please either call again later or leave us a message, we care about what you have to say. Thank so much for calling."_ BEEEEP. Derek swallowed.

"Help. . .my girlfriend. ..please?" He begged into the phone as the tears fell down. "Derek Venturi. . .555-1964. . .please. . ." He hit the end button and tossed the phone on his bed and exiting his room. "Lizzie, Edwin, Marti!" He yelled. He was already getting parent practice. . .it was strangely natural to him. Like he **_wanted_** to be one, something he never thought he'd want. His first child was due in a week, he needed to call her. Needed to make her feel better. . .and to be there for her. Abandoning her was wrong. He cared about Deb when they'd had sex, just not enough. . .he'd been an ass. . .and now here he was, sober as a stone. . .trying to make his life right. All it'd taken was the love of his life to start fucking up her own.

"Yeah Der?" Edwin said, holding Marti on his him and leaning against the banister, Lizzie on the floor with her legs crossed.

"Ed you make sure that the bars outside are secured on Case's window. Marti go get your pj's on and Lizzie will you make sure the kitchen is cleaned up?" He said in one breath, without question the kids did as they were told. Once you saw Casey as she was, and how Derek was trying to make everything right for everyone . . . you sort of. . .listened. . .you cared. Derek went into his room and grabbed the phone again and dialed Deb.

"Hello?" Deb's sniffled voice filled the phone. He choked at the sound of her broken voice. Why was she so hurt this time?

"Hey Deb. . .it's Derek, PLEASE DONT HANG UP!" He yelled, he could see her hesitating, then with a sigh she stayed on the line.

"What do you need asshole?" She seethed into the phone, pain still visible in her voice.

"I need to make things right." He said slowly, lighting a cigarette and stepping out of the front door, taking a drag. He loved his uncle for sending him this 'support.'

"With what Derek? Me? Me and You? Me, You and Our Family?" She said slowly, like she was sneering but not wanting to at the same time.

"Everything." He sighed, taking a drag and blowing out slowly. Allowing the nicotine to sink in before he let the smoke billow out in a slow stream. "I need you to know. ..that baby is mine, I believe you. I still think we should have the DNA test. ..because our parents insist it. . .but you need to know that I'm here, I'm going to help you raise this baby." He said. He wanted each one of his children. His next child was due in three months, the next in five. . .he was on a role as he could say.

"But we're not together huh?" Deb said, he could hear the tears coming.

"Tiff. . .you're a great girl . .and there's a part of me that cares about you like that. ..but that parts not big enough . . .I'm in love with someone else." Derek rolled his eyes at himself, even to him that sounded stupid.

"I understand Derek. . .but. . .can I ask.. . .who she is?" Deb asked between stuttered breaths.

". . .Me." Casey breathed into the other phone line before there was a click.

------------

"Casey. ..:" Derek finished after Casey hung up, he could see her silhouette slumped through her curtains, sobbing uncontrollably, his heart wrenched and his stomach dropped. _oh case. . _

"You two are meant for each other. .." Deb sighed slowly. "The due date is in three days, December 1st." She said slowly. "Talk to you later Derek."

"Deb, I'll be there. I promise." He said before hanging up the phone and running up the stairs, staring at Casey's door. _should I go in?_

-------------

The door lock clicked and Derek entered the room, Casey slumped in a heap on her bed, a bowl in front of her that Derek had provided earlier. It was full. Her eyes were full of tears, smeared mascara, pain.

"Derek . ..I'm . ..I'm..." She began sobbing harder. ..she couldn't speak, wrapping his arms around her Derek rubbed her forhead.

"Shhhh baby, it's ok. . ." He said slowly, whispering into her ear as he rocked her on his lap, on her bed. "Shhh, I'm here. ." He said again.

"Do. ..you. . .r. .really. ..l. .lo. ..love me .. . m. . most?" She said through her racked sobs. Cupping her cheeks in his hands he looked in her perfect blue eyes, whiping away a few tears as her crying continued.

"Yes. Case you're the only one who was able to get through the fucked wall I had for the longest time. ..the only one who as soon as I thought i'd made the perfect life for myself .. you made it better than anyone could have. Yes." He nodded and put his forhead to hers. "Can you help me Case? Keep this baby going? Keep you going? Keep you going?" He asked, through her sobs and pursed lips she nodded. He kissed her cheek and pulled her close as she sobbed into his shoulder.

_i love you too._


	4. Never Too Late

Never Too Late

"Alright alright, so your world is crashing. The lightening strikes, thunder claps. It's all coming down all around you, and there's nothing you can do but stand there. . .stock still and watch. Yous stare at that one person, tears in their eyes and blood on their wrists. You want tos ay it's all gonna be alright, because it's never too late. . never too late? But what if it is? What if it's too late to save them, what if you're both so far gone and deep and lost that there's no way to go but farther, farther down into the pit you apparantly insist continuously digging. So tell what you gonna do? look at them with sadness in your eyes as they end their life. . .as they say they wish to end their life? Or fight it, tell them it's gonna be alright. ..it's never too late." With stinging eyes Derek Venturi shut off his computer and stood up, wobbling a bit from standing too fast. The black dots pierced his vision for a moment before returning to normal and he exited his room, he had to get Casey up, Deb was in labor right now, he wondered why he wasn't freaking out more. As he went to unlock her door he heard a thump, a small squeak, and the crash of glass.

_casey!_

**------------**

"Oh my god!!!!" Deb cried, her screams resounding off the hospital walls as another contraction, push, all around pain hit her full force. "Where is he?" She said quieter, the seizing in her uterus slowing, her breathing heavy. Her mother shook her head, a worried look in her eye at her fifteen year old daughter. Why did the asshole have to get her pregnant? What the fuck was her daughter thinking? The good christian mother had nothing to say about her thoughts, everything in her was confused to the breaking point. Her daughter was becoming a mother. ..much too soon. But then again. ..in her mother's head. ..it was never too late to rid her daughter of this "affliction." She smiled to herself, why had she not thought of this much earlier? Putting a hand on her daughter's cheek she kissed her forhead.

"It'll be ok, this will be all over soon baby. All over soon." Deb screamed again. ..Derek's name.

**-------------**

"CASEY!" Derek cried, seeing her lying face down on the floor. Her mirror was beside her in pieces, a needle on the bed.

_oh my fucking god Casey. no. fucking. .. no. fuck no._

Kneeling next to her he turned her over, reaching for his phone and dialing 911. She had a pulse, a very very slow one. _dear god casey. _

"Toronto Police Emergency, please state the problem." the woman on the other end stated matter of factly. Derek wondered if this woman had heard so many horrific stories and problems that she didnt' care anymore.

"My girlfriend, help!" He cried helplessly. "I think she tried to. . .she tried to kill herself. She cut her wrists and there's a. ..a needle on the bed. Please fucking help, she's pregnant!. ..She's mine!!!" He begged. The woman on the other lined sucked in a breath, realizing the situation he was in.. realizing for a moment it was how her first pregnancy went and she sighed. This was one person she was determined beyond without a doubt to help.

"They'll be there right away, we've tracked your address, try CPR." She hung up quickly as her emotions ran deeper inside her at the memories of her son's birth, her son that she hadn't seen in over ten years. .. her son Derek.

Derek on the other side of town stared at Casey's pale face, her closed eyes, her blueing lips. With extreme pressure he pressed on her self inflicted wounds. Hoping to stop the blood, as he kissed her, breathing air into her slowing lungs.

"Please Casey. . please for godsakes you can't leave. ..you can't do this." In the back of his mind as he waited for the ambulance he tried to remember

_it's never too late...it's never too late._

**----------**

"Well Ms. Deb Sanchez you've had a beautiful baby boy." The nurse said through her mask and taking the child's measurements.

"Derek Costillo Sanchez." Deb said quietly as she fell asleep. Her mother stared at her daughter with an unreadable, making the nurse uneasy, and making a mental note keep little baby and mommy sanchez safe. With a quiet exit the nurse took the child to the nursery.Deb's mother stared at her daughter longer, because after tonight. . .it's about time she realized this. ..

_it's never too late._


	5. Broken

Broken

"There's no computer here. . .to write down my thoughts. . .tell the world how I feel or give them some sarcastic advice. There's nothing right now. I'm sitting in a hospital. . .while they try to save my Casey. . ._my_ Casey. . .no one to tell me that even though I'm broken now I'll be ok. . .no one to tell me that my broken Casey will survive. . .no one to tell me that my baby is alive. . .everything is broken." Derek buries his face in his hands. Tears long since dried across his cheeks. . .shaking hands and a pale face. He hadn't given a thought to Deb, a selfish thing to be sure. . .but Casey. . .Casey was what mattered now. Until his cell phone rang. With a sigh he flipped it open, putting it to his ear.

_I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh  
I want to hold you high and steal your pain away_

"'Lo?" He said a solemn tone.

"Mr. Derek Venturi?" A voice on the other line answered, seemingly somber.

"Yes, who is this?" He said, not caring. . .but what was there to care about besides Casey?

"We have a Ms. Deb Sanchez in the Toronto Hospital, she says she needs to speak to you. It's. . .urgent." The unknown caller announced, avoiding the name question.

"What a lovely coincedence, I'm here to. What room is she in?" He asked with no hint of a smirk or sarcasm, dead seriousness had come over the suddenly sober Derek Venturi.

"Room 205." The caller announced and hung up. Derek sighed, snapped the phone shut and headed towards Deb's room, his first child's mother. His life was swirling around him.

Walking past the ICU he peaked in, hoping to catch a glimpse of Casey before he saw Deb. He didn't. In replace of that he retreated to the photo in his wallet of him and Casey. . .mostly Casey as the camera had been lopsided. Her face was bright and smiling, long before she'd begun any drugs, sex, or anything else. Before she'd become a 'promiscuous girl.' He smiled through tears at the sight, not realizing he'd walked right into Deb's wooden door until he felt his nose throb. "Dammit." He muttered, pushing the door open and walking inside. If he lost Casey. . .he'd break. . .he wouldn't make it.

_I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain_

----

Deb Sanchez sat up against her propped pillows solemnly. She hadn't smiled in hours. She hadn't slept, laughed...she'd been numb. But once Derek walked the door, rubbing his nose, a million things ran through her at once, leaving her empty once again.

"You didnt' come..." She said slowly. He nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Why?" Deb asked...she wasn't in the mood to beat around the bush. Her world was crushed, her heart and life...broken.

"Casey..." He began, Deb scoffed angrily.

"What the hell does Casey matter?" She said. "She's your step-sister Derek, that's NOT NORMAL!" Deb wanted to scream, but silence had left her throat too dry. "How can she know what we've all been through? Our group of friends? The 'cool crowd!'" Deb screamed at him, begging him to listen. Derek could only feel his tears welling up again, but he wouldn't cry again. Not with Deb there. She'd meant near everything to him...and he'd gotten her pregnant. He'd thought it was just a hook up...and that Casey was just a step-sister and that the other girl, Corinne..was just ... he wasn't sure of anything anymore. "Derek what happened to you?" Deb sobbed. "Why did you forget me? Why did you leave me? You got in my crotch and that was it?" Deb spat through her tears. "We were eachother's first loves...I carried and GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR child...and I don't matter?" She begged. Derek sighed and sat at the edge of her bed, she moved her foot, he moved to her side after some thought and put his hand on her cheek. Thoughts escaping him.

_Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away  
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore_

"Deb...Casey attempted suicide." He said slowly. "She's also pregnant with my child. I'm scared Deb. I'm scared that the second love of my life is dead. I'm scared that a dead fetus has been floating inside her stomach and veins that've become a pool of alcohol, pills, and drugs. I'm scared our baby isn't going to be ok. I'm scared right now Deb. I'm sorry I wasn't at the birth...I'm sorry." Derek said, tears spilling over his cheeks. He hadn't known what to do after his little speach. He didn't know. Deb placed her hand over his on her cheek and kissed his palm. There were no more words. They'd been through the mill, the two of them, this was no different she supposed. Derek's tears were cascading down his cheeks now, his emotions a train wreck, like his life. Laying his head down on Deb's stomach he begged her to forgive him through his tears. All she could do now was cry with him. Unable to tell him that something had happened to their baby.

_Cause I'm broken when I'm open  
And I don't feel like I am strong enough  
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away  
---  
You've gone away  
You don't feel me here anymore_

**oTBCo**


	6. Bring Me To Life

Bring Me To Life

"What seems like hours...they're minutes...what seems like days...they're only hours...and what seems like a lifetime...can be the end of everything. You can lose your entire world in just a matter of seconds. You have to rethink your world sometimes. Rethink your heart and mind's decisions. I have to rethink...everything...I have to rethink it all...am I crazy? No...I'm sleeping...my blood isn't moving...my heart isn't pumping...I'm sitting at a computer waiting for everything to flow out into a blog that will float around cyberspace for eternity. I'm sitting here...rethinking...while my Casey lies comatose in a hospital bed...the baby inside her is gone, she killed it...she succeeded with the drugs...my other baby...no one knows where he is...and Deb...Deb is sleeping. On my bed. She's sleeping. The only girl in the entire world who, whether I liked it or not sat there and forced me to do something other than the fucked thing I was working on. Deb...my first love...I'm scared...that I might still love her...I'm scared it might be more than my love for Casey...I'm just...scared." With a click of a button, a sigh, and a ding the blog was posted and Derek Venturi signed out of the blog window he'd been so preoccupied with. To be honest he was still an emotional train wreck. The kids were living with Derek's grandparents on his father's side...he never knew his mother...well he'd talked to her on the phone a few times...but...With a jolt he stood up, knocking the chair down, his mother...the lady on the 911 one phone call had sounded so...familiar. "Oh my god..." He said slowly. Reaching for the phone he dialed 911.

----

"911, please state your emergency." Abby Transton stated matter-o-factly. Her mind had been down so many different roads in the last two weeks due to a certain 911 call she'd recieved...from her ex-husbands house. Her mind had been racing, her heart beating too fast. Her son...she could swear that was him on the phone, the way his voice was terrified yet commanding, the way it had sounded when he fought with her. Begging her not to leave him, Edwin, and Marti, her begging George for a second chance...apparantly he'd give her too many because soon she was in her '98 firered pinto driving to a shitty apartment clear across town.

"Abby Transton?" The voice on the other line questioned. Abby sucked her breath in as she tracked the call, recognized the number...the voice.

"D..Derek?" She asked shakily. He confirmed. "Oh my god...it's you...my baby..." Derek again confirmed it.

"I need help Mom...I...my girlfriend is comatose, one of my baby's died and the other one ... no one knows where he is or where his mother's mom is...I need help. My heart is a train wreck...my drug addled mind is fucked up...George and Nora...fuck if I know when they're ever coming home...help." He said through racking sobs.

"I'll be there soon baby." She stated hanging up the phone. Grabbing her purse and keys to the old pinto she tossed the dispatch headset to the relief on call and ran to the car. 'dear god Derek...' she thought before climbing into the car and beginning the two hour journey.

----

Derek dropped the phone shaking...his mom...Abby...was coming back. Deb had woken up and was leaning against the wall still sitting on his bed.

"Your real mom?" Deb asked slowly "She's coming back?" Deb hadn't seen Derek's mother since she'd left either but had been just as close to her. Which Mrs. Sanchez was pretty pissed about.

"Deb..." He said slowly, getting up and sitting against the wall next to her, taking her hand. "Are you scared?" He asked.

"Of what exactly? The fact that my child and my mother are missing? That the guy I'm _still_ in love with is in love with a girl whose comatose and drugged her unborn child to death and that he might _never _see me like he did a long time ago? No I'm not scared...I'm terrified." Deb said, tears trickeling down her cheeks. "Do we still know each other like we used to Derek? Is anything still there?" She asked through her tears. Derek sucked in his breath and let it out slowly, putting his fingers beneath her chin and lifting it to his, staring straight into her eyes. Her eyes held something he hadn't seen in so long, not in Corinne (the fling)...not even in Casey (the girl). Only Deb had that for Derek...that look like she knew. Because she did. That look that could see straight through his asshole, player, dickhead disposition...right down to what he really was. And it was scaring him...scaring him that all of it...him and Deb...was still there...still real and incredibly raw...and that all he'd felt for Casey...might not be what he thought it was. His head spun and his heart was too confused.

_Wake Me Up _"Everything's still there Deb..." _Wake me up inside _He said before crashing his lips into hers. _I can't wake up _Her soft pink/brown lips pressing back _wake me up inside_ in a passionate kiss _save me_ that was unreadable_. call my name and save me from the dark.._no words could describe it _wake me up _or the emotion in it. _bid my blood to run _"Everything.." He whispered and pressed his forhead to hers. _i can't wake up_ She nodded, biting her bottom lip. _save me from the nothing i've become_

_Now that I know what I'm without  
You can't just leave me  
Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life._

"Derek...I'm...I think I'm still in love with you." -_All of this time I can't believe I couldn't see- _She said quickly. Tears still trickeling down her cheeks. Derek sucked in a breath and waited for a moment, -_Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me- _trying his hardest to sort through all the emotions and thoughts in his head. _-I've been sleeping 1000 years it seems-_Finally coming to a conclusion he stood up, his back to Deb. "Wh..where are you going?" She stuttered quickly. He turned and pulled her up by her hands, pressing his body as close to hers as it could get and kissing her, one hand on her waist the other on her neck. _-I've got to open my eyes to everything-_Kissing her hard. -_Without a voice, without a soul, don't let me die here- _And for the first time in all the drama he was caught up in he felt his frozen blood flow again, his icy skin warm again...his real senses waking up again. _-there must be something more..bring me to life-_

"Deb...I .. fuck... I think...I think I'm in love with you too...I think I always have been..." -_Wake me up inside- _He said slowly. _-I can't wake up- _He saw her eyes glance at the picture of Casey and back at him. -_Save me..call my name and save me from the dark-_"You're waking me up from a dream Deb...but that's because I think when we're together...our reality is better than that...but I'm scared." _-Bid my blood to run, before I come undone-_She pressed her lips to his before pulling away. _-save me from the nothing I've become-_

"Ditto Venturi...I think...we'll have to see what happens." The sat on the bed and lay there, doing nothing but holding on to the one thing they had left.

Bring me to life.  
(I've been living a lie.  
There's nothing inside)  
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,  
Without your love, darling.  
Only you are the life among the dead.

(All of this sight,  
I can't believe I couldn't see  
Kept in the dark  
but you were there in front of me)  
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.  
I've got to open my eyes to everything.  
(Without a thought  
Without a voice  
Without a soul  
Don't let me die here.  
There must be something more).  
Bring me to life.

(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside.  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside.  
(Save me)  
Call my name and save me from the dark.  
(Wake me up)  
Bid my blood to run.  
(I can't wake up)  
Before I come undone.  
(Save me)  
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Bring me to life.  
(I've been living a lie. There's nothing inside)  
Bring me to life


	7. Blame it on Me

**AN: Ok. I'm going to try something a bit different for this story. It's based around Derek, but this chapter is more Casey-Concentrated and how she's dealing with everything...and herself. So basically---to escape confusion---it's based around Casey and Derek. Their thoughts and views. Not just Derek's.**

Blame it on Me

_Out on your own  
Cold and alone again  
Can this be what you really wanted, baby?_

Casey McDonald, by miracles of God, stood next to her step-brother...her lover...the man she betrayed so ruthlessly. There were no thoughts bouncing in their heads. No tears falling down their cheeks. No comforting touches. They simply stood there. Side by Side. Deb was at the police station recovering her son...and watching her mother be taken into custody. A pain she'd hoped she'd never have to see. Turning her head slowly she stared at the profile of Derek. His blank expression as he stared at the gravestone, the small fairy that covered their daughter's grave. She'd killed her daughter..she'd killed her. _I killed her...I...killed her..._ Was all Casey could think after a moment. Realizing her past goal had been accomplished...but her future ones were no where in sight. Everything was ruined. She shook her head and stared at the stone fairy as Derek did.

_Blame it one me_

_Set your guilt free_

_Nothing can hold you back now_

She was dead. The little girl had only been five months along before she stopped growing. In Derek's mind she'd still had somewhat a fighting chance...maybe he was wrong. Casey had let him name her---Dannie Abigail Venturi---her guilt and pain so overwhelming he swore he could feel it seeping from her pores, from every crevice of her body. He wanted to know what had caused her such pain. What had caused her to hurt so bad she hadn't wanted their child? Or herself for that matter. Looking at her now, from the corner of his eye, he could see...she didnt' know either. They both knew they were over. They both knew that for some unknown or maybe relatively known reasons...they were over. They weren't meant for each other like they'd thought. And in Derek's mind he was unsure of whether it was better or worse. Whether his feelings for Deb were right or wrong he wasn't sure. His mother had helped so much. Nora and George...now nowhere to be found. And at that moment in time he wasn't sure if he could handle knowing where they'd been so long. It'd been weeks since he'd seen the kids. Bills for the house he couldn't afford as a senior were piling up. He knew that the one family member he needed to hold onto, for whatever reason, was Casey. He reached over and took her hand in his as they stared at what was their daughter...a cold, stone grey fairy.

_Now that your'e gone_

_I feel like myself again_

_Grieving the things I can't repair and willing..._

"Derek?" Casey whispered, her throat caught up inbetween her lips. She could barely speak.

"Mm?" Derek replied unsure of how to answer. They hadn't spoken since the day of her attempted suicide. Not realy talked. They'd shared pained glances, knowledgable glances. She knew and he did. They were done. He'd done all he could to save her and she had done all she could to prevent it.

"What happens now?" She asked. He squeezed her hand before placing the delicate pink boquet of roses next to the fairy.

"I dunno Case...I find Deb...my son...I find myself?" He said. He was questioning his answer...he was questioning everything.

"What...about...what about us? me?" she said slowly. He didn't know but for some reason she still needed to ask. To let it out in the open.

"We find ourselves...our lives. We pick up the pieces." He sighed, the only answer he could come up with. The answer that left them both asking the same questions.

_To let you blame it on me_

_And set your guilt free_

_I don't want to hold you back now love_

"Casey can I ask you a question?" He asked quietly. He heard her sniffle. Not crying...just a sniffle...as if she was trying to let out any emotion.

"Yeah." she replied.

"Why?" He asked.

"Why?...Why what?" She tried to understand, he was sure she did.

"Why'd you do it? Any of it? Why couldn't you accept the way you were? Why couldn't you stay Casey? Casey didn't NEED to change.." He said...he wasn't sure if he was angry or sad or disappointed, maybe he was all of the above. But at that point in time, he wasn't sure of a damn thing.  
"...Derek...Casey did need to change...she just changed the wrong way." She turned his face towards hers and placed a kiss on his lips and pulling away. "But she never stopped loving you. And neither did I. I never will. I'll see you here. I'll always be here." Casey stated before turning from Dannie's grave. From Derek. From what was once her, from all that was left of her and she walked. Never knowing where she was going. And Derek watched. They both knew it was her fault...and at the same time he felt guilt pour through him. It was finished. He sighed, pressed a kiss to his palm and put his hand to the stone before turning and walking towards the car that had brought him and Casey there. Where was she going? He shook his head. He didn't know. He couldn't know. And he was determined not to care. Not right then. He couldn't care about her anymore.

_I can't change who I am_

_Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me_

_And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up _

_My love wasn't enough_

Casey tightened her grip around her arms, folded. She couldn't cry. There were no tears. Her mind was destroyed. The girl who once was was dead. Taking the bit of money from her pocket that she'd always had with her she bought a bus ticket. To where she didnt' care. She didn't know. She had to leave. She'd let herself lose Derek. And in a way she knew all along they weren't right the way he and Deb were and she understood. She was ok with that. Handing her bus ticket to the driver for a punch she looked around before finding a seat in the back. A joint, one last joint. Taking it from her pocket she lit up and sat in the back of the five person full bus, staring out the window at nothing.

"Derek..." She breathed silently as she stared on. "Derek..."

"Role the joint. Toke it up. The party's on. Haven't had enough now?"

_And you can blame it on me_

_Just set your guilt free, honey_

_I don't want to hold you back now love._

**otbc???o**


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